Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize