Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i've created a new STD.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
