I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
