There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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