I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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