What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
