Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
