I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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