i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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