Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Still dying that you shit outside
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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