I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
