so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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