Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
