He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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