yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize