well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You ruined the universe
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
