hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
