remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
