i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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