I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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