Umm I'm too high to move.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
