around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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