he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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