I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
