hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
