My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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