So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize