I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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