youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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