My friends, they love my intelligence
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
