I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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