I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
