My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize