i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
