my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
