So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
