she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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