so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
