I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
