I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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