I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
