You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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