alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Do vagina's smell?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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