so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
did i just pee glitter
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