shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
