You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
