Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I party with great urgency now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
