after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
