i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
