So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
