Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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