I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
