Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
