i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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