If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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