I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
