Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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