i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
