My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
