Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
