I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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