I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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