I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
