I haven't been this sober since birth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
