Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
