you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
